This Thing We Call Trust

Trust is very huge to me. If someone loses my trust, they’ve lost it. It takes a lot to get it back. It hurts to have the people I hold most dear turn around and break my trust. I want to trust them still. I want to love them and hold them close, but they’ve lost me. I am gone and am never to be found again.

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I have this friend. He lives a thousand miles away. We met in the most dangerous way. I don’t even know why I replied. He just said ‘hi’. I could have gotten myself into a huge mess. He could’ve been some creep stalking little girls online and I was too young and naive at the time to understand why that could have ended my life. It was fine. He loved me for a time.

I don’t know what drew me to him. There was something about him that just made me feel so safe. We met around a year ago. He messaged me first and we quickly found we had common interests. He was Christian as I am. I thought I was falling in love with him but I wasn’t. He is no one for me to love like that.

He is now my best friend. We had gotten into our first fight a few months back and it ruined me. He knows me inside and out, yet he doesn’t understand exactly how I am; why I am the way I am.

We’ve never touched. We have never been close to each other physically. Phones made it seem like we were inches apart but there was always a screen cutting through between us. We used to dream of meeting one day. He used to tell me how he’d run to me like no one was watching and hold me in his arms like it was just us and no one else was in the world. Knowing these things, knowing he wanted to hold me made me feel like I finally mattered to someone.

I began to trust him and love him. I found comfort in the sound of his breathing during our late night talks just waiting for the day I could hear his heart beat. I love my Bestie and I would do anything for him. But that doesn’t mean he’d do anything for me.

It’s so easy to learn to trust some one. It’s so easy to fall for their nasty tricks and be fooled by their games. Whether they mean to hurt you or not, they rip you apart until you’re lying on the floor not able to hear your heart screaming over the sound of their heart beating.

I never thought he was capable of hurting me. I even remember all the promises he made that he’d do nothing but protect me, I remember how he’d promise me a day of bliss just lying in his arms listening to his heart beat. I remember every promise he ever made. I remember everything he ever said. I remember how he’d look at me while we faced timed, thinking that I wasn’t paying attention.

I remember his eyes like a green emerald picked from coal. I remember his perfect smile that lit up my whole world. I remember how he said he hated it. I remember the way it made me feel as he went on about how beautiful my smile was and how he wished… he could touch my lips…

People always thought we were more than friends. Sometimes I questioned our boundaries as there never seemed to be any. We were just young and not in love with each other but in love with us. It always seemed so perfect and I always thought we’d last forever and even though it’s not even over, I’m still scared that I’ll wake up one day and he’ll have forgotten it all. I keep having to remind him of what we have. I know he’s scared because I think he’s fallen in love.

I’ve broken down his walls and found a place in his heart where he holds me close and protects me. I’ve gotten into his head and made him think things we are too young to even comprehend. I’ve made him weak and tore down every wall he ever built adding bridges to our distance inching closer.

I didn’t care if we fell in love or never learned to love each other. All that mattered to me was the fact that he was mine; that he was my best friend.

I could tell that he began to have feelings for me the last day we were on call. It was so late into the night that it was early morning around the time my dad would have been getting up to go bale. I was lying in my bed and had my back turned to my phone. When I looked, he was curled up in his blankets just watching me as I started to fall asleep. He didn’t even blink when I locked eyes with him. A smile curved across his face and his eyes brightened even more. And he whispered, “You’re so beautiful.”

I didn’t even know how to respond. I just closed my eyes and before I knew it I woke again to the sun shining in through my window. It had felt like a dream. Just his soft words that rang in my ears. His calm eyes and perfect smile. Everything about him screamed, “I love you. I mean really love you, but you’ll never love me because how could hearts like ours ever love each other.” There were such pain and love and longing behind his eyes like he wanted to reach through the phone and kiss me.

After that night we never talked for two months. I started to get so confused and irritated. Every night I was crying in anger and pain. I felt like I had lost something; as if a piece of me was missing and I knew it was him, my Bestie.

Right when I was beginning to give up on him, he finally texted me and told me what was going on. he had gotten a girlfriend and we had gotten into a huge fight. We were only texting but we were yelling at each other. I could just hear him screaming. I could feel the tears running down his cheeks as I watched mine fall into the palm of my hands. We were lost. We forgot.

Our fight is still going on today and this all went down two months ago. I miss the one I thought I knew. This boy has stolen my friends face. He wears this mask where ever he goes faking that perfect smile but I see darkness hidden behind his eyes. I see pain.

He and his girlfriend eventually broke up and I got him back for a time but he was different. She had stolen the light from his eyes. I see this boy I recognize but I don’t know him. He doesn’t treat me the way he used to like he’s burning down every bridge that brought us close. I’m drowning in the waters that were once beneath me. He could care less if he hurts me. I don’t know what I’m into. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m saying I’m done. He’s about to lose every bit of me and I don’t think he cares, or maybe he does. Maybe he is scared. He never wanted to fall in love.

So, he goes out and finds any girl that will keep his mind off me. He forgets about me. Finds ways to erase me. I think he’s scared that he’ll lose me if I ever found out how he truly feels but he doesn’t seem to understand that I would love him more than we do now if he’d let me. He would never lose me over loving me but he would lose me over lying to me. Over ignoring me. over being so mean.

I used to trust him. He lost that trust. He broke every promise he ever made. He doesn’t even try anymore. I wonder if I sound crazy by saying that I know him or is he just a mirage. Am I making this all up in my head? If that is the case then I wish to go to a place where no one ever got hurt. A place where it was just him and I. Just us in paradise.

He lost my trust by playing with my heart… He played with such a fragile thing and broke it.

I know a lot of men and boys think they have girls and woman figured out but what they don’t understand is how fragile we are. We aren’t dainty little things that must be rescued but it’s our hearts that must be handled with caution.

It’s so easy to ruin us no matter who you are in our lives. We fall and we need someone to catch us. So be there. Catch us. Watch as we dance and sing. Fall in love with the way we speak. Love us. Hold us close.

We are so loyal. We love harder than anyone before. We will always stand by your side and be there when you need us. We will fight for you. We will fight until it kills us. We will be there when you’re crying. We will never abandon you. We get jealous and we protect you. We become someone else if anyone ever hurts you. At least I do. But know this, once we are done, we are gone. The last mistake you made will drive us away. We will hate you. You’ll mean nothing to us and we will shut out our screaming hearts and move on. We’ll find someone who knows how to love us. We will find someone who is perfect for us and let you fall apart at the sight of us with another man. You’ll have lost us because you were too stupid to love us. You lost us.

~Stay Strong~

~Alexia Dawn

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