Forgiving This Pain

This year has been Hell for me. I’ve lost three people that I loved the most. Not to death, but to life. Yet, they should be dead to me as I am dead to them. They handcrafted my coffin and set me in the cold earth, six feet below the grass and the roses. I loved and I lost. Perhaps I’m even dead to me.

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It’s the time of the year where the world is full of such immense beauty. The time of the year when the leaves turn gold and the rose petals wilt in the cold, autumn air. Yet, even as the leaves take their fall and the roses take their bow, beauty infests itself in the death of the season.

Pain is not an easy thing. Whether it is physical or simply beatings to the heart, it is all the same.

Have you ever been so in love with someone you’d kill for them, die from them, live for them…? Have you ever been so heartbroken it feels like your heart has wilted and his falling away in shreds while your world floats away as ashes, gone with the wind deep into oblivion? Have you ever felt so weak? The insane thing is, 99% of this world knows exactly what I’m talking about.

A lot of us try to deny it. We could be denying it because of another person, for ourselves. It doesn’t matter.

I sat in the councilors office of my school after being caught truant in the bathroom crying because I couldn’t take it anymore. The counselor sat there and ranted about grief and sorrow giving me reasons for why I felt the way I did. But here’s the thing, there is no reason. We are human. Life can be your paradise, or life can be your worst nightmare.

Pain is a sickness. It feels as though a knife has struck us in the heart, or like a bullet has scathed our skulls. It can ruin us until we are nothing but ashes. Broken pieces of what was once a glass rose.

No one can sit before us and explain to us what we are feeling. They don’t know us. They aren’t us. They can’t tell us that we’ll be okay because we won’t. We will wallow in our sorrows until we decide that we can be happy. It’s all in our decisions. And sometimes, it’s okay to hurt.

The point is to forgive the pain. This pain that has torn you in two. This pain that has ruined all that we once were. This pain that has stolen from us the things we cherish. The result of a nasty loss. This pain that has haunted us.

It truly is pointless being lost in sorrows. But how do we overcome something so brutal? The one thing you need to do first is hurt for a while. Don’t let the pain eat at your soul or your heart but let it twist and turn in your gut.

Tell yourself that you are going to be okay. Believe that you are beautiful. Whoever has set this weight on your heart, they mean nothing. Though, they mean everything. They do not deserve your beautiful soul. And if they have left you alone in this world, you will find them again.

I loved, I loved, and I lost all who I loved. I don’t understand why. Every day, I deal with this same pain. These memories come flooding back in. Flashes of moments I wish I could relive. These happy moments that infest this pain within my bones.

The point is to forgive the pain.

If you want love, you gon’ have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon’ have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon’ have to give some away

~ Nate Feuerstein

~Forgive but Never Forget~

Alexia Dawn

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